Take The Risk Or Not?

I've got a conundrum. Who's out on the road yet trying to take care of someone at home, perhaps they live by themselves, who maybe can't necessarily take care of themselves? I mean can you care for someone from a distance when you can't just call in and say to the boss, XYZ happened and I've gotta go take care of a relative when it simply means hopping in the car and being there in a few hours or minutes depending upon distance? A coworker at where I am now, just this week her ninety-one year old dad in some capacity of failing health and with Alzheimer's was having a bad day and refused all family and care givers. She got a call, said something to the boss, left work and went to straighten him out as the family and dad were all local.

Background... I'm forty-nine, have a hospitality background through hotels. I used to work for a hotel I enjoyed working at and loved my job. But then the company, which was very customer service oriented, folded and we got purchased by a new company, very money oriented (I'm sure you know the two kinds of places). Well between a fight with a bully of a co-worker whom they believed over me, cause she's a princess to everyone and I was an auditor who'd work overnight sight unseen. Covid decimating our industry, my hotel laid off like ninety percent of our staff. Anyway I got forced out. Where I am now, another hotel, I detest and would have already put in my notice and gotten into trucking if it weren't for my father.

My father is 85, I really don't have any admiration for the man but more a sense of duty because he's immediate family. He has some level of Alzheimer's, is alone as my brother all but dumped him on me and moved. My mother divorced him some thirty years ago and while civil would rather have nothing to do with him. Because of his age and Alzheimer's he can't drive, I've had to go find him twice before we took away his car, and he can't hold a job anymore. I'm his transportation for the grocery store, the doctor, so on and so forth. My mother has told me more than once that I can't/shouldn't get into trucking no matter how much I hate the job I'm at now as my father depends upon me for his lifeline. That I have to stick it out, maybe finding another job where I live that I'm more agreeable to as a consolation, but I have to stick it out until I can pull together the funds to put my father in a home that'll feed him and take care of him. Then I could do whatever I wanted, such as become a trucker and stay out for weeks at a time or even months. The rational side of the brain says I'd hate to get into a situation where he's wandering around the complex lost, the leasing agents have even called me in a rush as they've observed him walking around perhaps disoriented, or he's having an actual emergency when I'm hours if not days away. The irrational side says to just screw it, chance it and see what happens. You can set him up with a couple of weeks of groceries and check in on him when you pass through town every few weeks (you hope). Dealing with state and federal agencies can take months if not years (five years just to get a measly VA pension of less than $300.00 dollars a month, two plus years to get off a State waiting list for aid and just submit an application never mind what we might actually qualify for) and you want to get your career going as you've got things planned for your trucking career and the money you stand to make (ie-building my retirement nest egg).

So I'm curious, does anyone try and take care of a relative who'd otherwise be unable to really care for themselves? Would you risk it or am I making the right decision by sticking it out until I can get him into a facility or something? I know the later is the right choice, but there are some days I'm just ready to risk him for my career happiness.

Hey Kevin, thanks for posting this!

You have posed some very sober and serious questions. It is true that this career has issues that keep us away from home at times, and even if we have a local job it is not that easy to just tell the boss, "Hey, I've got to go home today - my family needs me there." Truckers are right there on the front lines of keeping our country's economic engines running smoothly and efficiently. Truckers are needed on the job and it just isn't easy to take time off at the drop of a hat.

I had a similar situation when I was starting my trucking career. My mom needed care and absolutely refused to be in a facility that provided care. We let her stay in her own home until a judge had her committed to a facility because she kept calling 911 every night because she imagined there were invaders in her home. At that point my brother went and got her released, but he couldn't keep her at his house. My wife ended up taking care of her and we let her live at our home until her death. I have five siblings, yet the burden fell on me. I'll spare you the details.

You have to decide what you are committed to. It sounds like your dad is going to be in a world of hurt if you just take off and hit the road. I didn't see any indication that there was anyone willing to help him other than you. That was my same situation. Personally, I think you have got to see that he is taken care of. I do not know how to advise you on that matter, but you will be miserable out on the road knowing he is at risk. I am sure there are probably options that you may not even be aware of. Start researching and asking questions about how he can be provided for in some capacity. What about his social security? I have a friend in a nursing home. Her social security checks pay for it. She has no real spending money of her own these days, but she is provided for with meals, a roof over her head, and people to watch out for her.

I think you have to settle the situation with your dad first. Then you can take care of Kevin. I am sure that sounds harsh to some, but I think it is the best thing for both you and your dad.

Old School, thanks for the kind words and the advice. Yes, you are correct, as his only lifeline he would be potentially in for a world of hurt. I don't care for the man because of the type of father and husband he was but I also don't want to see bad things necessarily happen to him. It's just a damned if I do, cause I'd put him at risk, and damned if I don't, cause it means staying in an industry that I don't care for anymore, kind of situation and thinking about it generally ****es me off...

Oh, I've been looking at funding in order to put him somewhere. He doesn't get much from SS, maybe $1200-$1300 a month and a couple hundred bucks and change from the VA for a pension (really it's disability related to hearing loss as he was in the USAF in the '50's when hearing protection wasn't really a thing). But the places I've shopped around at one time or another, he'd need memory care, run upper three-thousand to four-thousand a month. I often think about a family friend who had to put his mother in law (his wife's mother) into memory care and it cost them four-thousand a month and she lived for four or five more years or so. It literally burned a crater in their savings. But I've also got him waiting for help from the State of Texas Star Plus list which is supposed to help with various low income needs but we'll see what he might qualify for. Between his Social Security, the Texas Star Plus list, a pinch from his VA pension and I fully expect my brother and I to each cut a check and contribute monthly maybe just maybe it'll be enough to get him into a nice or at least a respectable place.

It's one of the reasons I'm seriously considering getting into trucking. I like to think about the travel, how some have a fondness for sports cars (and I even enjoy a nice looking car) but I have a fondness for semi-trucks (haha...). But yeah, it's also the money. I know you've gotta work for it, you've gotta pay your dues, that you're not going to make say fifty or sixty grand let alone a hundred grand your first year. But hospitality doesn't exactly pay well and thinking about what my share of paying for my father each month might be leaves me thinking I'd be running a financial deficit each month. If you believe the various ads you see about salary potential from the established/named trucking companies and working your ass off to maximize your earning each month, I'm looking at trucking not only for the change in career, but the travel, further and more quickly building a retirement nest egg for myself and also providing more financially so I can contribute to taking care of the man and not be financially tight if even running a financial deficit. Maybe that's expecting too much? I don't think so, and I understand the time and work involved but you're not going to get anywhere if you just do nothing. I like to think of it as my long game plan.

Kevin B.

Look up in the county section of your phone book for Council on Aging or anything that indicates it has to do with aging. Contact and talk with them about your dad's situation. They will give you all kinds of information that you don't have a clue about right now.

It was a good thing my dad set himself up for old age, since I wouldn't have given him the time of day...he was worse than a jerk!

I used the Council on Aging to get different types of help for my Traumatic Brain Injured husband. There's all kinds of help, like Meals on Wheels, transportation for doctor appointments or even going to the Senior Center for meals, caregivers to come into the house to relieve the caregiver from constant caretaking, etc. They will also let you know about nursing homes and what it takes to get started.

I went to a school, Sage Trucking, and placed my husband in the nursing home in daycare and picked him up at night. I got my CDL and was hired on by a small company, which I don't recommend because that turned into a fiasco. While going to CDL School, paperwork was started with the doctor, Workman's Comp and the nursing home. I was due to go out the week after Labor Day of 2014. We had placed him in a nursing home permanently when he fell breaking his hip Labor Day weekend. He also had hit his head and the hospital just cleaned the little cut and five days after his hip surgery they called me wanting to give him a unit of blood. Of course I said sure, but what was the reason and got told that his Labs were low. The next day without even seeing him I had to talk to the doctor and make a decision, which I thought was a nursing home with physical therapy. No, his pneumonia would require a ventilator and he might not come out of it. So we discussed that and just making his end of life comfortable. As it turned out, the unit of blood caused the vein near that cut to burst and actually he was already gone... I had been a CNA and I know what dead people look like. So the company that hired me gave me three weeks to deal with his death, paperwork and whatnot and then I went on the road.

Hopefully you can get the help to walk you through this.

Laura

You made it plain that you don’t like your father. He’s like an anchor in your life. You can choose your friends but you can’t choose your parents. Get on with your life. Put him into some kind of old geezer facility. I completely agree with Old School about relatives. I drove for 4 months and then had to take off for 2 years to care for several relatives. No thanks, no appreciation. I have two sisters who wouldn’t help. What a waste. Figure out a way to get your father in a nursing home or veterans facility. Then go drive a truck

Kevin B; if you decide to put off trucking, I started at age 53. Chances are pretty good you’ll have opportunities.

We can’t tell you what’s best for you. But it’s apparent you have a good heart and a practical mind.

Whatever you decide, commit to it and you will succeed.

I was in a similar situation, in that I couldn't and still can't be away from home for days or weeks at a time. That's why I applied for a FedEx freight driver apprentice position. From the beginning, they were understanding to my situation and they walked me through the FMLA process when I qualified for it. Before I qualified for FMLA, they were willing to schedule time off that I needed.

I'm not the only one or a special case. A lot of my coworkers are taking care of their parents, have kids with special needs and one that I know of is homeschooling his kids.

I make up lost income by running on Saturday and/or Sunday. I'm glad I didn't wait for when I was able to go OTR. I'd still be waiting if I did.

Some people might think this is hard-hearted, but I really think that you should put your father into a memory care home. This is for his safety as well as for your sanity. He is already wandering around. It's not long before he will be turning on the stove and forgetting it. I have personally known two people who wandered off into the woods and were never found. Another person wandered out of the house and fell into a ditch and was found dead in the morning. Unless you want to live in a locked home and deal with your father who will be angry at you and who might even physically attack you for keeping him safe, think again.

It seems that everyone else has made you feel that this is your responsibility. IT is not. It is equally everyone's responsibility. The same people who dump everything on you will also claim that you committed fraud by using his social security checks to pay for his food. Maybe not, but I've seen it happen. It would be different if this man had been a loving kind father to you all of his life. Anyone can turn nasty with Alzheimer's, but I'm hearing you say that this was not him. If he has assets such as a home, etc. this can be used to get him into a memory home. Yes, you won't get much money from the inheritance, but think of all the money you will save on psychiatric bills for yourself.

You are in the prime years of your life. Live it. Go get your license. Drive regional or local if you want, or go OTR. There are no replays on life.

Some people might think this is hard-hearted, but I really think that you should put your father into a memory care home. This is for his safety as well as for your sanity. He is already wandering around. It's not long before he will be turning on the stove and forgetting it. I have personally known two people who wandered off into the woods and were never found. Another person wandered out of the house and fell into a ditch and was found dead in the morning. Unless you want to live in a locked home and deal with your father who will be angry at you and who might even physically attack you for keeping him safe, think again.

It seems that everyone else has made you feel that this is your responsibility. IT is not. It is equally everyone's responsibility. The same people who dump everything on you will also claim that you committed fraud by using his social security checks to pay for his food. Maybe not, but I've seen it happen. It would be different if this man had been a loving kind father to you all of his life. Anyone can turn nasty with Alzheimer's, but I'm hearing you say that this was not him. If he has assets such as a home, etc. this can be used to get him into a memory home. Yes, you won't get much money from the inheritance, but think of all the money you will save on psychiatric bills for yourself.

You are in the prime years of your life. Live it. Go get your license. Drive regional or local if you want, or go OTR. There are no replays on life.

Spot on here Lillian.

Not cold hearted at all.

This is your best advice.

Good luck