Tell Me It Gets Easier With Spouse Or Boyfriend On The Road.

My guy has been gone for a month now aside from 12 hours he got to spend with us a few weeks ago. This is hard stuff. Going so long without any money to pay bills while he was in training before he passed his cdl test, let alone take the kids to go and do anything has made me feel like a prisoner in our home. When we talk there are awkward silences because neither one of us really seem to understand what the other is going through.

I am trying my best to be supportive but there has been a major communication breakdown. We are finally in the home stretch of an actual paycheck next week and he'll be home for a visit in 2 weeks but I am already having anxiety about when he leaves again. We are getting by here at the house, the kids are adjusting ok and I've stepped up with the "house duties". I am just so lonely.

I've been trying to keep busy but there is only so much to do and then my mind starts to wander about a girl he was in training with and then we just fight. I am just ready for all of us to get into some kind of routine but at the same time I don't want our lives to ever feel normal without him being here if that makes any sense. Our relationship is suffering and I am scared.

I do trust him and I trust myself, I guess I just had no idea quite how lonesome this was actually going to be. I am sure he is feeling the same with missing us but at least he has his trainer to hang out with even though I'm sure he's sick of him by this point. I don't know I am just on such a roller coaster of emotions and I really am doing my best to get through this.

I have looked up a ton of forums for truckers wives and there is so much positivity to be found, but at the same time there is a lot of complaining, stress, and worry which just gets me worked up all over again. I'm just not sure what to do. I want to be the best woman I can be for him so that he is happy to call and happy to come home. There is probably no advice that anyone can offer other than the stuff I've already read, get a hobby, keep busy, love your trucker..

I'm doing all that and it's just not enough. I don't want to make him feel guilty, I know he is doing this to better our financial situation but at this point I am wondering if the cost is worth the eventual pay. Sorry to go on and on I guess I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening :) -Sleepless in Ohio

Stephanie, everything you've said makes perfect sense and you most certainly are not alone in your situation.

Here's the one thing I think I can offer in all this. I feel like our personalities are half due to the way we're born, half due to the things we've learned and experienced in our lives. There are some things that are just hard wired into us and they'll never change no matter what we do. Other things can be changed with persistent efforts over time.

You personally have to figure out whether the lifestyle you're living now is something you'll be able to adapt to or something that will have to change no matter what.

Me? I'm a loner. I belong on an island. I can adapt to being around people but nothing will ever eliminate the innate desire I have for solitude. Odd as it sounds to most people I hope to die blissfully alone in the middle of the ocean or high in the mountain wilderness someday. Nobody even has to know. For most people, that's one of their biggest fears. For me it's the only thing that makes sense. And that's not something I've learned. That's something I was born with. I've been like that before I was even old enough to go to school and it's never changed, never will.

You have to figure out if you're lonely because you've learned to have your husband around or if it's just innately in you to have someone by your side. There is no right or wrong way to be, but trying to go against your true nature will end badly no matter how hard you try. If you feel you're not going to adapt to this lifestyle then you immediately start making plans to find him a job that gets him home everyday, and that's totally doable. He may need to put in a little time running solo, maybe a few months, before a local company will give him a shot. But there's plenty of local jobs out there and he can certainly land one before too long.

Quite honestly it goes against the nature of almost everyone to be alone for long periods of time or be separated from the people they're closest with. To be brutally honest, I'm an oddball so you can't go by how I feel about it. Chances are you're not going to adapt. Then again, you might. Only you will know. But either way the trucking industry has plenty of options and everyone can find a job that suits them well. You guys just have to figure out what's going to work best for you and go after it. Don't try to fool yourself into thinking that something will make you happy if it won't and don't settle for less than what it takes to be happy.

That's all I got.....until I buy an island......then I'll have that too.

I hesitate in offering this, since your husband already has been hired, but did you guys look at local before he went OTR? We don't like to encourage a new driver to job hop, but sometimes you gotta do what you have to do. It's usually best to stick it out at your first driving job for the first year - there are reasons for this. Some drivers do leave their first job early though, depending on the circumstances.

Depending on the area, sometimes OTR will pay better than local jobs. But other times local jobs are there for the taking. It all depends on the area. Location usually means more than driving experience when it comes to local gigs.

Here's a thread to read about LTL. Perhaps there are LTL opportunities where you live? Please keep in mind these opportunities have everything to do with location. You'll have to see if they are available in your area. I wanted to mention it to you as a possible option because it was a tremendous blessing for our family. We were prepared for me to have to go OTR when I graduated from trucking school - I'm glad I had LTL as an opportunity.

Again, I'll see if my wife can post some thoughts for you. Here's the link to that LTL thread.

LTL Trucking: My Linehaul Job

This is hard stuff. Going so long without any money to pay bills while he was in training before he passed his cdl test, let alone take the kids to go and do anything has made me feel like a prisoner in our home. When we talk there are awkward silences because neither one of us really seem to understand what the other is going through. I am trying my best to be supportive but there has been a major communication breakdown.

Stephanie, I'm probably a lot older than you, and just so you have some prospective on my advice, I've been married for 33 years!

Leaving my wife and children at home to pursue this career was a tough decision for me, and not one that I necessarily had to do. I did this because I wanted to do it, whereas your fellow did it because he needed to provide for you and your children. As a man and a father, let me say that he is making a huge sacrifice to be away from everything that makes him comfortable and happy and facing life all alone in the cab of a truck. You mentioned feeling like you were in prison because you can't even afford to leave the house. Try and imagine how you would feel if you were stuck in the cab of a truck for that long of a time. This is a tough deal for everyone involved - there is no getting around that. My wife and I discussed our decision to do this for well over a year before I pulled the trigger.

I think your man deserves the utmost respect from you. This is the stuff that defines a man for me. He is willing to make sacrifices for those he loves, he is willing to be misunderstood by his wife and children just so he can make their lives better - a real man puts his family first, even if they don't fully understand why he is gone so long. PLEASE, try and be as supportive as you can. You guys have got to trust each other - little jealous thoughts turn into roots of bitterness so quickly if they are not dealt with immediately - they have to be removed and dealt with just like they were cancer - they will kill your relationship, and the bond of warm affection that you have for each other.

I can tell that you don't want your relationship to suffer from this estrangement, and I'm glad to hear that in the way you expressed yourself. You are the one that has the power to make this work. Now, it will take effort on both your parts, but your role is critical. When you are on the phone with him don't let yourself end up whining about how bad it is with him being gone. That lays a terrible burden of guilt upon him, and trust me, he is already feeling some of that without you adding to it. There is nothing that will shut down your open communication with each other like making each other feel guilty for not understanding how the other feels, when you are both feeling a big mixed up bunch of emotions anyway because of the separation and the financial struggles. Don't complain about the problems at home on the phone - just do your best to deal with them without involving him right now. It may seem to you that he isn't interested in what is going on at home right now, but trust me he has got way more to deal with right now than he probably even knows how to. Not only is it really tough on you, but it is tough on him also - you just don't have that perspective, and he probably is not real good at expressing the feelings he is dealing with. Don't take his lack of concern for you as a sign that he is not interested, I think he is totally overwhelmed at this point - all rookie drivers in training go through this for at least the first three or four months - it is a very demanding job to just jump into at the beginning.

Hang in there Stephanie, and when he does get to come home for a brief visit you love on him like you may never see him again. Try to fix him some of his favorite meals, let him know how much you miss him, but also make sure he knows that you respect him for doing what ever is necessary to provide for you and those children. I can assure you that if you provide him with that respect, it will be returned with love and devotion.

This career is really tough, especially on the uninitiated, or the new folks just getting started. The two of you have got to make a commitment to each other and to the way of life that it involves or you will end up despising each other and going your separate ways. I don't think that is what you want, so prepare yourself to change the way you visit with him on the phone, and deal quickly with any thoughts of jealousy and resentment. You guys can make this work, you have to for the sake of your children and your own sanity. I understand how tough it is, I live it every day. If you decide it is just too tough, try and make a commitment together that you will see it through for a period of one year. That is what he needs to help him get to the point of being just a little bit proficient at this anyways. After you have done that then you can re-assess whether you want to continue with an over the road job, or maybe he could begin looking for a local gig at that point. After he has been over the road for one year he will have established himself as an experienced driver in most prospective employers eyes, and it will be much easier to land a local truck driving job at that point.

Stephanie, I love this life of being an over the road driver, but I miss my family terribly. This job is really tough on everyone, but it is especially hard on the spouse at home.

Stephanie, three more things:

#1: You have joined one of the most level headed, sincere, honest batch of people in trucking. I've been active in Trucking Truth since December, and I've seen this group give straight advice to all comers, without judgement. You have gotten comments from trucking newbies as well as 20+ year veterans already.

#2: Talk, don't always text with your significant Other. More information comes across in the phone than you'll ever get typed out as a text. Also, all the words you've seen on this thread, taking a couple of hours to get out, would be 10-15 minutes face to face. (Imagine the great time we would have, all together!)

#3: In this situation, your talk real can't be all sugary sweetness - you have two lives to live and coordinate. And sometimes honesty isn't pretty.

As others have said here, if you choose the best path, there's light at the end of this tunnel. It will get easier, either by both of you getting used to the current situation, or your guy is able to hire into a job where he gets to see his sweetheart almost every day.

(Disclosure: I'm a 64 year old married guy that completed driver training in January - 6 months ago.)

Many people switching careers to drive have to go that long dry spell of no paycheck while they are in training. That part should get better. Most companies start paying around $500-$700 gross per week when their new driver is on road training. When your guy goes solo, or is teamed up, better checks should start showing up. Pay will get better over the first year as you're driver "learns the ropes" and gets small raises.

The personal relationship thing is the toughest thing. Married relationships with one driver range from almost independent women running things till their man stops by for a few days, to couples that hurt if they're apart too long.

Basically communication is a key. I'm not Over The Road right now. My wife "says" she's OK with it, but I know her 'druthers. On the road, I called home every day. That helped us both. Ask your man to call you daily. (Driving has no real schedule, so he needs to call you when he had a few minutes.)

Later in his career there are trucking jobs with more home time, up to Home every day. But most new drivers earn their chops driving over the road for the first several months.

Even if you both feel that you'll be better off if you are both together, say, several times a week, that will be easier once the first 6 months to 1 year is over.

Hope these thoughts help you get a perspective.

Thanks Errol! What does your wife do to keep busy? Have you guys transitioned easily? From everything I have read online I know that I am not alone but knowing you're not alone and feeling like you are not alone are 2 totally different things! I am sure it is not easy for you guys either, trust me I know. Unfortunately being able to rationalize these things does not really provide much solace.

I know that I am not alone but knowing you're not alone and feeling like you are not alone are 2 totally different things!

Yes, you're not alone in being alone. Sounds like you're more or less newlyweds? Many times the head and the heart have to work together.

That transition you ask about simply happened. I left and didn't come back for a few weeks. Brain knows what's going on, Heart is confused. To keep things going for you, and knowing zilch about you two, I suggest the daily phone call. Just like in your pre-marriage days, you call, you talk about stuff going on (ask him where he's been, what he's hauling.), you hear each other's voice. Say "I love you" then talk again tomorrow.

As for my wife, she's a nurse, but she still has to go home to an empty house. Do you have a job? Lately I took a shuttle job: I drive from midnight to noon, but I'm at home every day. This is one of the driving jobs that might be available.

Stephanie. I'm not OTR either, but in the beginning I was gone for a few days at a time. My wife was at home with our toddler and was pregnant when I started. Then she had to adjust to having a newborn and a toddler while I was gone working nights at my linehaul gig. I'll see if she can post some thoughts for you. Hang in there. At the end of the day, you'll both have to decide if the career is worth the stress. But, it's something that countless others have worked through and eventually gotten used to the lifestyle.

Stephanie, everything you've said makes perfect sense and you most certainly are not alone in your situation.

Here's the one thing I think I can offer in all this. I feel like our personalities are half due to the way we're born, half due to the things we've learned and experienced in our lives. There are some things that are just hard wired into us and they'll never change no matter what we do. Other things can be changed with persistent efforts over time.

You personally have to figure out whether the lifestyle you're living now is something you'll be able to adapt to or something that will have to change no matter what.

Me? I'm a loner. I belong on an island. I can adapt to being around people but nothing will ever eliminate the innate desire I have for solitude. Odd as it sounds to most people I hope to die blissfully alone in the middle of the ocean or high in the mountain wilderness someday. Nobody even has to know. For most people, that's one of their biggest fears. For me it's the only thing that makes sense. And that's not something I've learned. That's something I was born with. I've been like that before I was even old enough to go to school and it's never changed, never will.

You have to figure out if you're lonely because you've learned to have your husband around or if it's just innately in you to have someone by your side. There is no right or wrong way to be, but trying to go against your true nature will end badly no matter how hard you try. If you feel you're not going to adapt to this lifestyle then you immediately start making plans to find him a job that gets him home everyday, and that's totally doable. He may need to put in a little time running solo, maybe a few months, before a local company will give him a shot. But there's plenty of local jobs out there and he can certainly land one before too long.

Quite honestly it goes against the nature of almost everyone to be alone for long periods of time or be separated from the people they're closest with. To be brutally honest, I'm an oddball so you can't go by how I feel about it. Chances are you're not going to adapt. Then again, you might. Only you will know. But either way the trucking industry has plenty of options and everyone can find a job that suits them well. You guys just have to figure out what's going to work best for you and go after it. Don't try to fool yourself into thinking that something will make you happy if it won't and don't settle for less than what it takes to be happy.

That's all I got.....until I buy an island......then I'll have that too.

So many people have mentioned communication and it's ever so important. A quick phone call in the evening or even a few minutes on Skype can make all the difference in the world. I tell my wife and daughter several times a day that I love them and I'll see them soon. She's s strong woman, dealing with the house and the zoo. Honestly don't know how she does it bit she does. When we first met, she deployed to Afghanistan for a year, longest year of my life and we got married not long after that so in some ways I understand your stress but not entirely.

Hang in there, stay strong and yes it does get easier.

I hesitate in offering this, since your husband already has been hired, but did you guys look at local before he went OTR? We don't like to encourage a new driver to job hop, but sometimes you gotta do what you have to do. It's usually best to stick it out at your first driving job for the first year - there are reasons for this. Some drivers do leave their first job early though, depending on the circumstances.

Depending on the area, sometimes OTR will pay better than local jobs. But other times local jobs are there for the taking. It all depends on the area. Location usually means more than driving experience when it comes to local gigs.

Here's a thread to read about LTL. Perhaps there are LTL opportunities where you live? Please keep in mind these opportunities have everything to do with location. You'll have to see if they are available in your area. I wanted to mention it to you as a possible option because it was a tremendous blessing for our family. We were prepared for me to have to go OTR when I graduated from trucking school - I'm glad I had LTL as an opportunity.

Again, I'll see if my wife can post some thoughts for you. Here's the link to that LTL thread.

LTL Trucking: My Linehaul Job

I do not work outside of the home. Our boys are 5 and 7. We are not married, been together 4 years and engaged for 1.5. We do talk and text pretty often just doesn't seem to be a whole lot to talk about at the moment. His life is driving now and my life is just the same old boring house stuff. I know that we will get through it eventually, it is just getting to that point that is the issue I guess. Getting adjusted. We both knew going into it that it would not be easy for the first year. I have pretty much been a raging ***** and I am sure I am not making life any easier for him. The wife forums say to keep it light and positive but if I can't talk to him about how I feel then who am I supposed to talk to? And then in the meantime I am just making him feel worse. The career is supposed to better our lives and I feel like my thoughts are dragging us down. I do trust him and I don't really worry that much about him not being faithful. Of course it's a thought but it's not a huge concern. And I am not even worried that much about his safety, I know he is smart and capable. Don't worry about where he is at or anything like that. I feel silly. I just miss my guy and need to find a project.

This is hard stuff. Going so long without any money to pay bills while he was in training before he passed his cdl test, let alone take the kids to go and do anything has made me feel like a prisoner in our home. When we talk there are awkward silences because neither one of us really seem to understand what the other is going through. I am trying my best to be supportive but there has been a major communication breakdown.

Stephanie, I'm probably a lot older than you, and just so you have some prospective on my advice, I've been married for 33 years!

Leaving my wife and children at home to pursue this career was a tough decision for me, and not one that I necessarily had to do. I did this because I wanted to do it, whereas your fellow did it because he needed to provide for you and your children. As a man and a father, let me say that he is making a huge sacrifice to be away from everything that makes him comfortable and happy and facing life all alone in the cab of a truck. You mentioned feeling like you were in prison because you can't even afford to leave the house. Try and imagine how you would feel if you were stuck in the cab of a truck for that long of a time. This is a tough deal for everyone involved - there is no getting around that. My wife and I discussed our decision to do this for well over a year before I pulled the trigger.

I think your man deserves the utmost respect from you. This is the stuff that defines a man for me. He is willing to make sacrifices for those he loves, he is willing to be misunderstood by his wife and children just so he can make their lives better - a real man puts his family first, even if they don't fully understand why he is gone so long. PLEASE, try and be as supportive as you can. You guys have got to trust each other - little jealous thoughts turn into roots of bitterness so quickly if they are not dealt with immediately - they have to be removed and dealt with just like they were cancer - they will kill your relationship, and the bond of warm affection that you have for each other.

I can tell that you don't want your relationship to suffer from this estrangement, and I'm glad to hear that in the way you expressed yourself. You are the one that has the power to make this work. Now, it will take effort on both your parts, but your role is critical. When you are on the phone with him don't let yourself end up whining about how bad it is with him being gone. That lays a terrible burden of guilt upon him, and trust me, he is already feeling some of that without you adding to it. There is nothing that will shut down your open communication with each other like making each other feel guilty for not understanding how the other feels, when you are both feeling a big mixed up bunch of emotions anyway because of the separation and the financial struggles. Don't complain about the problems at home on the phone - just do your best to deal with them without involving him right now. It may seem to you that he isn't interested in what is going on at home right now, but trust me he has got way more to deal with right now than he probably even knows how to. Not only is it really tough on you, but it is tough on him also - you just don't have that perspective, and he probably is not real good at expressing the feelings he is dealing with. Don't take his lack of concern for you as a sign that he is not interested, I think he is totally overwhelmed at this point - all rookie drivers in training go through this for at least the first three or four months - it is a very demanding job to just jump into at the beginning.

Hang in there Stephanie, and when he does get to come home for a brief visit you love on him like you may never see him again. Try to fix him some of his favorite meals, let him know how much you miss him, but also make sure he knows that you respect him for doing what ever is necessary to provide for you and those children. I can assure you that if you provide him with that respect, it will be returned with love and devotion.

This career is really tough, especially on the uninitiated, or the new folks just getting started. The two of you have got to make a commitment to each other and to the way of life that it involves or you will end up despising each other and going your separate ways. I don't think that is what you want, so prepare yourself to change the way you visit with him on the phone, and deal quickly with any thoughts of jealousy and resentment. You guys can make this work, you have to for the sake of your children and your own sanity. I understand how tough it is, I live it every day. If you decide it is just too tough, try and make a commitment together that you will see it through for a period of one year. That is what he needs to help him get to the point of being just a little bit proficient at this anyways. After you have done that then you can re-assess whether you want to continue with an over the road job, or maybe he could begin looking for a local gig at that point. After he has been over the road for one year he will have established himself as an experienced driver in most prospective employers eyes, and it will be much easier to land a local truck driving job at that point.

Stephanie, I love this life of being an over the road driver, but I miss my family terribly. This job is really tough on everyone, but it is especially hard on the spouse at home.